Recently I attended a birthday party with a group of friends who are women. We are all about the same age give or take a few years: that halfway milepost some people call middle age. A question was raised and discussed: “What are we doing with the rest of our lives?” We all talked about wanting to feel more settled, balanced and in a better place, but it wasn’t necessarily the here and now. I wondered: “When and where does one live happily ever after?”
Most of us grew up programmed to find jobs, be successful, get married, raise a family, be good community citizens, retire somewhere warm and sunny and live happily ever after. But along the way some of us took detours; others hit road blocks, and a few are still traveling along a course in search of happily ever after.
I thought to myself: “We spent a good part of our early twenties trying to figure out what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives and here we are in our fifties asking the question all over again. How could that be?”
I think as women were handed more opportunities our definition of “happily ever after” was also redefined for us. We worked hard, became successful in our careers and competitive with our male counterparts. Today, women make up over 50 percent of the executive workforce. We achieved in our careers but for many our personal lives took a back seat. We found we had to catch up in that area, settle or opt out. For some of us the Mr. Wonderful we thought was was “the one” was nothing more than an illusion….or competition.
As we matured we also realized that happiness does not have a price tag. And careers wear off like makeup. If you don’t keep touching up you begin to look faded. You are replaced with someone younger, fresher, with new skill sets and, yes, more affordable even if she doesn’t have one sixth of the experience you have. We rethink the career success we worked so hard to achieve in the first place.
We looked at our lives and the things we’ve purchased: a house we live in alone, clothes that sit in a closet waiting for those special nights out and other things that once seemed so important at the time and now we think about selling. Happily ever after is not always the house with the white picket fence of our childhood story books, It’s the quality of life lived in the home that matters and the sound of laughter that fills the rooms.
Some people tell me that being parent has been the happiest part of their lives. They tell me I should have had children and I “missed out.” I think having children was an option that did not make sense to me as a single woman and by the time I was married in my late forties didn’t feel like the best choice for my husband and me. I am no less happy for my decision and I don’t feel any less of a woman for not bearing a child. I don’t feel people define my happiness; they enhance it.
My husband says, “If you want to change your life change your residence.” Friends talk about moving south to warmer climates, places where life is easier on the pocketbook and stress level, rich in activities and filled with new people to meet. Is happily ever after in another town? I agree that if you are not happy in one place, one career, one relationship…move on. But make sure when you move on it’s not to run away but rather to move forward.
Take out a piece of paper and make a list of everything that makes you happy. Then check off everything on that list that is currently in your life. Then look at what is not checked off and decide: “What is the one thing I can I do this year to make this happen?” Finally, make a second list of what happiness you can bring to others and check off one thing you can do to make that happen.
I think “happily ever after” is elusive. I also think we need to give and share happiness to realize it in ourselves. Instead of seeking happiness maybe we need to sow the seeds ourselves and bring the garden wherever we go and invite people in. Let’s just don’t hold our breaths waiting for someone else to hand us a bouquet.
